Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Thank You to Daily Strength for the Traffic

I appreciate your link to my blog .."unlike yours" you wont fund much "fluff" or psycho-babble surrounding this issue by members "Pretending" to be mental health experts (TrustingtheMystery) and  rather than linking to cyber bullying, you might want to check out the "practicing medicine without a license" link in your respective states..

Dont panic If I dont post your comments as timely as you think I should, or insinuate that your statement is a "win" if it doesnt appear the moment you click send. This is my blog, I "rule" what is posted here and control the comments. I am still very generous with opposing viewpoints as you can see with my tolerance of "Fallenandcantgetup" Derek. He has been on a time out lately due to his favorite usage of the term  "Cunt" in his daily rants. I get an average of 10 comments every two days by Derek, blustering about his ability to circumvent the system, his bragging rights he will go for a "stroll" on the nearby college campus, and his never ending self pat on the back when he thinks he has done damage to another Anti.  How silly of me, to describe One of Daily Strengths most "coveted members" must seem redundant. But I digress, feel free to hang around..


Valigator said...

From : TrustingTheMystery | hug TrustingTheMystery
Sent : 9/7/12, 4:11 pm
Subject: Welcome to Daily Strength - Families of Sex Offenders

Hello Valerie.

Welcome to Daily Strength and Families of Sex Offenders and thank you for your post.

I have a few questions for you ... find it interesting that it was my post that stimulated your joining Daily Strength and responding from such a strong place of fear/judgment here on this site ... and I welcome you and your posts here. Yet, i have to ask do you know what drives your fear and your judgment against sex offenders and the registration laws??? ... Do you want those who have experienced early childhood sexual trauma to heal ????

My post was in response to helping even those who have had sexual abuse early in their lives HEAL ... what did I trigger in you that made you respond so harshly for those who tragically enough have been victimized by their own family members my any sort of sexual abuse?

I was not judgmental towards you or other sexual abuse survivors. I want ALL AMERICANS TO FEEL SAFE AND TO HEAL INCLUDING YOU, or anyone who has experienced trauma.

I hope you can PAUSE, long enough to actually LET THAT IN ...


... I care particularly for those who were so young and their families who couldn't see what was happening to them for whatever reason, who could not protect them, and who struggle for healing themselves all their lives.

I worked with kids 0-6 y/o who had been abused physically and/or sexually and I know with the right HELP and with parental involvement kids and families can HEAL. Even you as an adult, if traumatized by sexual abuse as a child, CAN HEAL. It is not easy, nor is quick, although sometimes it can be, and IT CAN HAPPEN, with care and with TRUST and with RESPECT.

I do not judge you, nor do I judge those who have committed a sexual offense.

Actions and body language speak volumes Valerie ... and I know I triggered you by my post, otherwise you would not have responded as harshly and as quickly as you did. I welcome your response. And I am sorry you were triggered.

I will say it again Valerie - I CARE ABOUT YOU, and other victims of sexual abuse, and I care about FAMILIES, your family and how YOUR sexual abuse must have disrupted your own family ...

... AND I also care about those with family members on a Public Registry who have the potential for being victimized and living in SHAME for the rest of their lives. Anyone who has been a victim and has been silenced KNOWS SHAME. No one in America deserves to live in shame. We live in the GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH. Shame is only supposed to move us more quickly into a different action to keep us safe from harm, and if the statistics about recidivism are right with only about 5% or less of citizens on the Registry we are doing SOMETHING RIGHT.

THERE IS HEALING FOR ALL OF US ... i know that ... I pray now and every day that one day you will know that too ...


Valigator said...

To: TrustingTheMystery
Sent : 9/9/12, 7:40 am
Subject: Re: Welcome to Daily Strength - Families of Sex Offenders

sorry I just now bothered to find this. No it wasnt your post that stimulated my comment on your site. I am unfamiliar with the format and my post just happen to fall under yours. What drives me? Too many sex offender advocates go out of their way to minimize offenders and their behavors so in turn many antis have the responsibility to emphasize the opposite view, it appears has hate but what it really is The harsh truth of these crimes. One of my longer post asked if your group heard of VAWA, All I got back from that post was a "your mind is made up and something about beating a dead horse" comment. My comment was focused on early childhood abuse and how successful it can be when the "system" doesnt raid the funds associated with it. No one addressed it, no one responded to it and then "bam" I was banned. Which is ok due to the fact It validated my opinion that its really NOT the singular issues both sides should look at and fight for together, its who can piss over the fence the furthest. Then the post just degenerated in how I will be "prayed for" and something about Hate and the usual only God can judge mantra. Contrary to your members appearing as worldly and educated and prepared to "fight for reform" especially (I think it was you) who said you worked with young children who were abused seem to have no knowledge of this funding or the gross mismanagement associated with it. Again, I find it more and more difficult to "take to the bank" many comments made by RSOL members who claim to advocate for children yet fail to be outraged or have any knowledge of programs designed specifically for this subject that are diverted. Again I must stress it was not your post that prompted my commenting on the forum I was searching for Updates on the RSOL conference and waiting for a cake to bake, and since your group was overly pre-occupied with me I jumped in the fray with the simple facebook click. You made way too much out of my appearance on your site and as was expected your members decided it was easier to ban me than stand toe to toe with me on the issue. Which seems to be a constant with RSOL members.

Valigator said...

On 09/08/12, 01:22am TrustingTheMystery wrote:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Hello Valerie.

There was one other point I wanted to clarily for you from my post since I have no doubt it was my comment about "disorganized attachments" that led to your knee jerk response about our site being "disorganized" ... we are not trying to be organized we are just trying to heal in a safe place. I know, you of all people understand that.

AND the best thing about disorganized attachments, more than any other early attachment wound is that the origin is due to a trauma wound and THIS TYPE OF ATTACHMENT WOUND CAN BE HEALED ... but we can only heal others when we ourselves have done OUR work.

If you are the child advocate you say you are you should know and understand these things about trauma.

I would encourage you to read a bit about psychoneurobiology and the "mind" from Daniel Siegel, MD from UCLA. He is a Harvard trained Pediatric Psychiatrist whose work was part of my Graduate School Training in Clinical Psychology. The easiest book he has to read (because he can be pretty "heady" due to his brilliance) is "Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology - An integrated handbook of the Mind" - you will learn a lot about attunement and regulation and the IMPORTANCE OF THE BODY in healing any sort of trauma.

Lots has changed over the past 10 years or so in trauma treatment. I did a paper on PTSD in kids 0-3 that I would gladly share with you if you are interested.

We are ALL wounded in relationship, every single human being, and WE HEAL in relationship - or else we HARM. And I know healing is what YOU WANT, it is what we all want and NEED to feel SAFE in the world.

I wish you well Valerie and I wish you peace ... may that peace come as your learn more about regulation and how it can come from others. There is a time for anger and a time for peace. Anger well past a traumatic incident keeps the pathways of anger/rage alive and well and STRONG ... and does not allow true and lasting healing.

May I be peaceful, May you be Peaceful, and may all victims, perpetrators and all their families find PEACE. It is in each and everyone of us when we HEAL.

Valigator said...

To: TrustingTheMystery
Sent : 9/9/12, 11:24 am
Subject: Re: Disorganized attachments CAN BE HEALED ...

I would encourage you to read Sexoffenderissues-Valigator

Valigator said...

On 09/09/12, 03:52pm TrustingTheMystery wrote:
I am not an RSOL member, and I do understand and agree with your points.

There is so much denial/fear on both sides in most sexual offenses, and that is what leads to the polarization. A one size fits all Law that harms an offender and his/her family, possibly for generations, when the error leading to the infraction has been healed and the lesson has been learned doesn't allow for healing. Nor, does allowing those who are clearly sexual deviant to run free protect anyone.

What I KNOW from my cutting edge studies of Clinical Psychology with a Somatic Emphasis is that the BODY DOESN"T LIE - many people do to manipulate and try to get what THEY want, not good people though. The BODy needs to be a part of this exploration of sexual deviance/sex offender identification to give it the depth, the protection our communities deserve, and the healing that these families who loved ones have healed long for.

The body, just like DNA, can be uses as EVIDENCE, yet again it takes a good Psychological Assessment from someone who knows not only attachment patterns, but trauma and how it lives in the body as memory. An unresolved trauma can easily be the impetus for a violent act. It can also be the cause of someone who has been abused to "feel" violated, when in actuality this may not have been the intent in the relational exchange at all. Attachment questionnaires can be give, even for adults, to determine the level/timing of healing potential, and the body can be accessed to determine the level of residual trauma AND can be to assist in healing any sort of trauma. Even generational trauma from any sort of abuse that may have happened years before, that is unresolved, but carried on through unconscious modeling can be worked THROUGH.

Valigator said...

The harm done from the lack of knowledge and from fear that keeps the denial in place is a huge nut to crack. AND, I believe it is possible when we look beyond our fears and INTO THE BODY. We, just like the Earth, are self-correction and self-organizing organisms. Healing is possible through RELATIONSHIP when people are seen, all sides of an issue are heard and RESPECTED, and boundaries are clear and not tested.

Most of America is in the dark about these trauma, sexual or otherwise, yet there is healing when we look beyond our "views" and our strong feelings/opinions and allow the BODY, which houses the heart, be seen and healed. It is amazing to watch the magical work - the MIRACLES THAT WE ARE - unfold when given the right environment and resourcing. We have it in us to HEAL, very naturally we can access a deep knowing that knows what is needed, but we have to SLOW WAY DOWN TO GET THERE. Germany is a great model for using the body in healing. It is where many of these healing modalities originated.

My goal is simple and my intentions clear - to educate those who want to listen about his amazing missing piece in healing. It is there right under our noses for those who have the motivation and willingness to want healing and to access it. This type of healing is not everyone, and is most likely will not be those violent sex offenders who deserve the label they have been given. AND, the BODY can be used to determine the level of harm done due to the level of trauma/PTSD experienced.

What you have to remember is that on these sites people are healing, and the first part of any healing means we need to learn to say "no" and have that "no" respected - but that does not mean that the "entire" group is in that place. Most here are trying to make sense of something that for most of them is out of their reach to understand. The understanding belongs to something bigger, and that is why they reach to Spirituality.

Valigator said...

and continued:

I think this maybe another one of the reasons we have so much division in the dialogue between those who "say" they want the same things, yet sometimes cannot hear one another. Many are taking up the fight for their own family members - on both sides, those who have been victimized have one stance, and those who support perpetrators have another. I do think the RSOL group is fighting for the rights of SOs who had consensual sex, or respected a bodily 'no" when their employer/state did not property educate staff, or because they sexted, or just made a mistake and learned from it. I think that is were they are coming from and what they are trying to educate the public about. I do believe there are many people on public registries that do not deserve to be there, AND there are those who do. Those who DO are the ones I would like law enforcement to clearly keep their eyes on and I would like the rest of my tax dollars to go toward ways to HELP our communities, not waste on un-neccessary tracking.

I do know in psychology there are tracking tools that are geared toward identifying high risk offenders. Most states have them in place through their Sex Offender Management Boards, at least for those coming out of prison sentences. I believe those tools should be used for anyone accused of a sex crime, and much more support is needed for families who have a family member of both victims and perpetrators alike. The issues are complex and deep. They are clearly not for the faint of heart, and I doubt they will be solved even in my lifetime, but I hope to lay the ground work for further research and healing for anyone touched by such a tragedy.

I am not familiar with VAWA? What do the initials stand for? I am one who wants to see all sides of an issue, as I look to ways to help all those involved heal from the shame and isolation those who have been touched by sexual misconduct experience. These feelings come from denial/fear and are not necessary.

Valigator said...

and even more:

We, as human beings/mammals, are all hard-wired to survive from trauma, yet we also are wired to know how to move through the trauma and THRIVE. That is what I want to help uncover in those who want healing. No it is not an easy road, but it is a walkable road - step by step and moment by moment we can find our way, each and very one of us, when we are ready.

Good wishes to you Valerie. Thank you for your views and for your voice. I believe you and I stand together, are not there yet. They are working on themselves and that is all each of us can do.

I loved this quotes by Desmond Tutu and thought you would enjoy it too ...

“Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or our loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.”

~ Desmond Tutu

“Differences are not intended to separate, to alienate. We are different precisely in order to realize our need of one another.”

~Desmond Tutu

Valigator said...

To: TrustingTheMystery
Sent : 9/9/12, 12:26 pm
Subject: Re: Welcome to Daily Strength - Families of Sex Offenders

There is one poster who caught my interest and not one member was honest enough with her to point out the very real potential pitfalls this young women will no doubt encounter. She posted about finding her father, not having contact since she was two weeks old and then goes on to make assumptions his conviction and LONG prison sentence must be a mistake. Other posters re-enforced her and not one pointed out that the word of the day should be "caution" when embarking on her newfound relationship. Not one poster "who are very familiar with the workings of the prsion system" even hinted at what was in store for her. That was troubling to say the least. Her father obviously committed a very heinous crime in the eyes of the system to be sentenced this long. He is no doubt institutionalized and dependant on whatever crumbs he can derive from the outside. Now he has her. She, no doubt will be blind to his ability to play on her guilt and devotion to family (which in her case amounts to nothing but genetic contribution) she will feel obligated to subsidize him, fight for his release, and her heart will break for his plight. This young woman should be embarking on life, not re-attaching herself to someone who she has never met and obviously didnt have her or her mothers best interest at heart at the time of his crime. Hey for sport lets say it ends in a fairytale, but the more I read of various posters tales of woe the more I was convinced this is a collective of weak women who re-enforce each other for their bad decisions, not a true objective support group who at least one of which should have been supportive enough to lend the young girl I mentioned at least a "word from the wise" hint of a very real potential for tragedy. This group seems to feed off each others bad decisions then make excuses for them, the proverbial "misery loves company" comes to mind. Perhaps its just me but I truly cringed at some of those post. If you were an outsider peaking in? You would come to the same conclusion..these women are not healthy and they are literally drinking from the cup of other unhealthy women.

Valigator said...

On 09/09/12, 05:30pm TrustingTheMystery wrote:
Who are you to judge their choices Valerie? Who decides that someone is "healthy" or "unhealthy" ... you do make some very strong judgment calls that I do believe are not yours to make at all. Each person, if they live in America, has the RIGHT to makes choices for THEMSELVES.

You do not know each of their stories, nor do you know their psyches or their POTENTIAL.

I am beginning to see the shadow in YOU Valerie and makes others strongly turn away from you. Can you see it? Maybe not, and that is OK, that is your work, not mine.

I would say though, even though you have some very good points, EACH PERSONS JOURNEY IS THEIR OWN, and to make a statement like "these women are not healthy" is disrespectful of THEIR journey.

To meet someone where their ARE, not to make them WRONG, HEALS -- your words show the inability of your heart to HEAL and keeps YOU stuck. I believe it is a waste of your energy ... my opinion, and you can take it or leave it. Yet, it was clearly your JUDGEMENTS that got you BANNED.

If one wants to meet in the middle, one needs to leave their judgments at the door and come with an open mind and HEART. I do no see that in your actions/behavior/words.

I wish you well, Valeria Parkhurst. I truly do, and I do think YOU over step YOUR BOUNDS when YOU feel YOU know what is BEST for someone else. That is a boundary violation in my book and that is YOUR WORK.

Valigator said...

and finally:

Sent : 9/9/12, 2:36 pm
Subject: Re: Welcome to Daily Strength - Families of Sex Offenders

Look who is calling the kettle black? You spent alot of ink inferring I must be "wounded and must not have dealt with some very damaging aspects of my past. You inferred my stance on these crimes and the people who commit them were based out of unresolved issues that indicate I must not be in a Heathy place" Your inferences, not mine. I corrected you by specifically spelling out I was not wounded, I am justa person who cant wrap my head around this kind of abuse. and now its off limits for me to state an opinion many of these posters dont appear "healthy" to me? You appear on this site as a mentor of some kind, someone who has "background" in dealing with these issues, another inference you keep making by referring to studies and scientific reading material aimed at this subject. What is apparent is, if you are acting as a mentor or as a person with more than the average insights to these crimes and the people they involve that perhaps your status on this site might not be as helpful or as "healing" as you want it to appear. Its painfully clear to me as an outsider looking in these women are not getting a full court view of the repercussions of some very important choices they have to make. Your reply indicates that your taking offense to an observation, that your participation and imput into this site probably isnt having the desired effect you think it is. This isnt about YOU and it certainly isnt about ME, its about women who have been so fractured the least they deserve is "truthful" comments, not ones with pink bows wrapped around them patting them on the head telling them what they "want" to hear, and never including once what they NEED to HEAR. Make no mistake I take no glee in these womens horrendous tribulations, but from what I see many have made a long history of bad decisions and I dont see anyone on your site steering them into a better place. It truly does appear that some posters need to feel superior to others and their motives are not entirely pure when responding and advising on the issue. I wish you luck also Mystery it a huge responsibility you have taken on with these women, it may be time to stand back and determine if your really up to the task.

Valigator said...

There is one main reason I posted this, the "group was not privvy to this conversation and yet what did "Trusting the Mystery do"? she went right back on after this extended conversation to make an analysis of a situation she has no knowledge of? Then suggested I may find it helpful to engage in some theraputic "artwork" WTF??
She wasnt going to fess up I called her down on her "voodoo" approach to contributing to a forum of hurtful souls, Oh no not this one..she wants to maintain the "resident word of the day" "attachment disorders" she googles on mental health sites. Jesus Christ "how about this quote of the day "blind leading the Blind" ..

Valigator said...

Someone needs to tell that girl who just found her father the truth, not paint some disney world ideal of congratulations. The last post she made was of the letters and pictures and this "vision" of them celebrating (even if they are in dressed up wheelchairs) when they saw each other. Nobody asked who he killed or maimed to be in doing this much time? Not one. She is in a fantasy world by her last post, and not one of you have the guts to snap her out of it, even (gently).

Anonymous said...

Seems you have too much time on your hands. God is the only true judge and every single person will answer to him for their sins, including you. No sin is greater than another in the eyes of The Lord. Instead of blogging about how much you despise sex offenders and the women who unconditionally love them, why not volunteer to help with victims of abuse? Time spent wisely is time well spent... My husband is a sex offender and I know he is more than the crime he commited. He needed help & not to be shamed for doing something he himself does not even understand.

Valigator said...

You obviously have a reading disorder..is that the new excuse for not moving forward into a healthier place? God, Judgement and Sin. But find God absent Especially to those who have no tolerance towards these crimes.There is an old saying about persons as your self who carry a bible in one hand and a gaff in the other. In my world God or a higher power has given man "free choice" to act on what is right and what is wrong. Where was your God when YOUR husband had the choice to committ his crime against an innocent? As I mentioned in another post that you didnt bother to read, People as yourself use God as a "punchline" after the fact never before. You also use "forgiveness" as a crutch to not move forward but to surround yourself with aura of self righteousness. I do volunteer with victims of abuse, how do you think I have a birdseye view of how horrendous these crimes really are and the damage they do? For some broad who throws God around like a frisbee when it suits you, perhaps its "you" who should walk into a pediatric care center after a child's insides have been tore out. A public hospital is literally feet from my office, on my lunch hours I spend a good deal of time there and have made friends with the nurses and doctors who care for these children. Funny thing about God in those places. Never once have I seen anyone pray for the guys who pu those babies there, yet God seems to be standing all around the Victims.. dont bullshit me with time spent wisely lady, where was YOUR God when these freaks were unzipping their pants? If your husband is not ashamed of what he did and you lay on a pillow next to him validating is misunderstanding of "what do you call it"? doing something he himself does not even understand? Then you have tough road ahead of you but something tells me you have never traveled anything but a tough road and its all you know.