My Son Is Trying To Figure Out Why He Abused a Child
Posted on 09/09/15, 04:18 pm
Here's a letter I received from my son, who is four years down on a 20-year sentence for sex abuse of a minor. The little girl was 9 years old at the time. There was nothing forceful about the episode, but because of the vast age difference (he was 40-something), it's classified as a sexual assault.
He gave me permission to share this on this forum. He wrote this while he was in solitary confinement a month or so ago.
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6-22-15, Still Trying To Figure Out ME
I still hold children in the highest regard: they're the fragile seedlings that will someday support the weight of this crazy world. They MUST be protected from harm. They MUST be free to grow and play and learn in an environment of trustworthy caretakers who have the CHILDREN'S best interest at heart. To want to be with children for ANY purpose other than to enrich their lives is simply unacceptable. To be more specific, it is unacceptable to want personal gain or pleasure from children and for that to be THE reason one wants to be with them.
Examples, even though it's obvious what I'm talking about: To want to be around little girls primarily for the purpose of seeing panty peeks is unacceptable. Or anything like that. Duh. This is so obvious as to be rediculously un-needed to be stated.
The Point is: Why the hell are you here? To help them or to get your !^@$^$@% rocks off? If it's the latter, then get the !@$#!@ out of here. This is clear to me, and always has been.
...
And then, in my 20s & 30s, this thing happened. It was separate from the realities which I state above. It did not change those perspectives about children in me. It is a separate part of me. Before my 20s, I had NO interest inappropriate in young girls. I specifically remember going to a swim practice with my wife who was a nanny at the time. There were girls in swimsuits aged 5-10 or so everywhere -- possibly 100 of them. I thought to myself at that time, "Some guys are actually ATTRACTED to these girls!? I have no idea why." I was about 25 at the time. I could NOT understand how someone could be sexually interested in pre-pubescent girls.
Now...if I were in that same room, I would be overwhelmed. I would not DO anything, except try not to be obvious in my attempts to look... to absorb every moment and every view... to record and remember and admire and memorize and savor every perfectly-formed figure and part --
I somehow have become THAT guy! The me of 20 years ago would be disgusted, appalled, very confused -- surely I would not accept or believe that which has indeed come about!
And now I come to the point: That 20-years-ago me is still here. I still view children as the epitome of priceless preciousness, desperately in need of protection from harm, and unquestionably requiring caretakers who are trustworthy -- who when left alone with our young sons and daughters would not even THINK of doing something sneaky or selfish or inappropriate.
Our children deserve that. Humankind deserves that. Nothing can help us if it simultaneously nibbles away at our children's tender development, leeching their life-force like a parasite without their awareness, using their precious trust and naivete against them! Those that do these things are indeed humanity's most despicable.
And yet, how indescribably perturbing that I should write these things knowing that part of me is compelled to do just that. It rationalizes. It schemes. It waits.
How terrible!
How did this happen?
How many more are like me?
We need help desperately.
He gave me permission to share this on this forum. He wrote this while he was in solitary confinement a month or so ago.
=====
6-22-15, Still Trying To Figure Out ME
I still hold children in the highest regard: they're the fragile seedlings that will someday support the weight of this crazy world. They MUST be protected from harm. They MUST be free to grow and play and learn in an environment of trustworthy caretakers who have the CHILDREN'S best interest at heart. To want to be with children for ANY purpose other than to enrich their lives is simply unacceptable. To be more specific, it is unacceptable to want personal gain or pleasure from children and for that to be THE reason one wants to be with them.
Examples, even though it's obvious what I'm talking about: To want to be around little girls primarily for the purpose of seeing panty peeks is unacceptable. Or anything like that. Duh. This is so obvious as to be rediculously un-needed to be stated.
The Point is: Why the hell are you here? To help them or to get your !^@$^$@% rocks off? If it's the latter, then get the !@$#!@ out of here. This is clear to me, and always has been.
...
And then, in my 20s & 30s, this thing happened. It was separate from the realities which I state above. It did not change those perspectives about children in me. It is a separate part of me. Before my 20s, I had NO interest inappropriate in young girls. I specifically remember going to a swim practice with my wife who was a nanny at the time. There were girls in swimsuits aged 5-10 or so everywhere -- possibly 100 of them. I thought to myself at that time, "Some guys are actually ATTRACTED to these girls!? I have no idea why." I was about 25 at the time. I could NOT understand how someone could be sexually interested in pre-pubescent girls.
Now...if I were in that same room, I would be overwhelmed. I would not DO anything, except try not to be obvious in my attempts to look... to absorb every moment and every view... to record and remember and admire and memorize and savor every perfectly-formed figure and part --
I somehow have become THAT guy! The me of 20 years ago would be disgusted, appalled, very confused -- surely I would not accept or believe that which has indeed come about!
And now I come to the point: That 20-years-ago me is still here. I still view children as the epitome of priceless preciousness, desperately in need of protection from harm, and unquestionably requiring caretakers who are trustworthy -- who when left alone with our young sons and daughters would not even THINK of doing something sneaky or selfish or inappropriate.
Our children deserve that. Humankind deserves that. Nothing can help us if it simultaneously nibbles away at our children's tender development, leeching their life-force like a parasite without their awareness, using their precious trust and naivete against them! Those that do these things are indeed humanity's most despicable.
And yet, how indescribably perturbing that I should write these things knowing that part of me is compelled to do just that. It rationalizes. It schemes. It waits.
How terrible!
How did this happen?
How many more are like me?
We need help desperately.
